Chubby Alonso has a tasty tasty wrap going on here. It’s got big guys, it’s got small guys, and it’s got lots of middle eastern guys playing out probably the great game in Asian Cup history. It’s a fat one today, so we’ll jump right in.

YUM:

1. Getting Up For The Cup

Chelsea squared up to Liverpool in midweek and looked, well, rather square. They emerged unscathed with a 1-1 draw – a result that means a win at Stamford Bridge in the next leg will guarantee Mourinho’s first return to Wembley – but hardly looked convincing. Hazard’s spot-kick was Chelsea’s only shot on target against a Liverpool side that looked significantly hungrier of both sides. Chelsea’s excellence may be making it hard for them to see the Capital One Cup as something worth getting up for.

In contrast, Liverpool had plenty of motivation going into the game – from Stevie G’s redemption, to Brendan Rodger’s professional rivalry with Mourinho, to the fact that this Cup is Liverpool’s most realistic chance of winning anything remotely shiny. Mourinho might just be missing a Mr Motivator to partner the waning John Terry in the dressing room in shifting the spirits a gear up when life isn’t so smooth sailing. In the post-match conference Mourinho had apparently joked about signing Steven Gerrard on loan at the season’s end – but what if he wasn’t?

2. Missing Men

On Wednesday night, Tottenham Hotspur played Sheffield United in the Capital One Cup Semi-Final first leg. Proudly leading the troops out of the tunnel was none other than Captain Emmanuel Adebayor. Wait what? The words go together awkwardly and angrily like two corners of a jigsaw puzzle. He didn’t disappoint the perplexed fans either – putting in a forgettable shift and leaving the field on the hour to the chorus of boos they were waiting to deliver. The problem with Adebayor is not that he appears indifferent and disinterested, but that at various points in his career, he didn’t. Recall his run of good form last season, or how fired-up he looked when he famously scored and celebrated against Arsenal while at Manchester City.

The fear is that Adebayor may be joining the Borgade brigade (“Chelsea offered me a contract, I signed the contract, so what is the problem?”) of players who can’t care beyond their next paycheck. That certainly looks to be the case for Southampton’s record signing Dani Osvaldo, who is still on the club’s books. He was tossed out on loan from St Mary’s after 13 games for headbutting now-captain Jose Fonte during training and has just been sent packing back by Inter after simply disappearing for two days. The man who signed him? Mauricio Pochettino, the same guy who five months ago made Adebayor his third choice captain and the lumbering Younes Kaboul his first. Le Poch may have an eye for footballing talent, but he’s not looking too good a judge of character to me.

3. Baby, Baby, Baby

The biggest news this transfer window is undoubtedly Real Madrid’s signing of football’s Justin Bieber, although the significance of this move may only be unravelled between one year to never. Martin Odegaard may be the full package with his boyband blonde looks and youtube skills, but the jury is out on whether he could finally be Madrid’s own Messi, or if he’ll end up as the world’s next Freddie Adu – the last teenager to really thrill and then torpedo.

There is cause to be optimistic though: under the guidance of Carlo Ancelotti and Zinedine Zidane, he has two men with the eye and the patience for talent, and at Real Madrid he will get the best grooming to deal with all the limelight. He already looks the part: when asked to choose between Ronaldo and Messi he picked his new teammate (“Ronaldo, so far”), even though he had once publicly professed his admiration for Messi on Twitter. It would have been real interesting to see if Barcelona would have been the better fit for him though, but for their unfortunate transfer ban; that’s just what they get for putting their hands in one teenager’s cookie jar and getting their sleeves caught in it.

4. Second Chances

The Annual January Jenga happens for two main reasons: one, to add reinforcements to a squad (Cuadrado); two, to reinvigorate a player’s career. It is strange to say this, but if Andre Schurrle finds the courage to leave a Chelsea team destined for some silverware this season, he would join Lukas Podolski as the second World Cup winner looking for some genuinely meaningful employment. Podolski’s loan to Inter is already looking good, linking up with Bayern outcast Xherdan Shaqiri – scorer of the World Cup’s 50th hat-trick just 7 months ago – in beautiful fashion to send Inter into the next round of the Coppa Italia.

For Sebastian Giovinco though, it appears that it is Canada, not Italy, to be his place of choice for finding himself. He follows a whole series of stars into the US of A but at the same time walks his own path. Not only will he be the highest paid player in MLS history (yes, beating out even David Beckham himself), he might just be the first top European player to be heading there in his prime. Of course, I use ‘top’ rather loosely, given that he has barely made 40 appearances over the past two seasons for Juventus (most of them coming as a substitute) but this is a man who exactly a week ago had starred in Juve’s 6-1 demolition of Hellas Verona (granted, not a tough task) and whose startling form for Parma less than four years ago had earned him plaudits, predictions, and a call-up to Prandelli’s Euro 2012 squad. Del Piero’s one-time heir apparent may not have taken his throne in Turin but could certainly come good in Toronto if he carries half the class and humility that made the Italian maestro such a loveable figure in his own cross-continental traverse in Sydney.

5. The Battle of Canberra

Speaking of Sydney, it’s finally kicking off in Australia. The group stages of the Asian Cup 2015 have gone by with minimum fuss: no games have been drawn, no surprises have been had, the underdogs are out, the favourites are through, Timmy Cahill has scored a special goal (a wee bicycle kick), is officially the Australian Sniper, and will probably have a film made about him in the next decade.

So step up Iran and Iraq with their self-explanatory bi-lateral history to play out what must be the greatest game in Asian Cup memories. Nothing short of a chronological recount of this game will do for an excited Chubby Alonso. Bear with me:

Background: Not only were Carlos Quieroz’ Iran the highest ranking Asian nation in the cup, they had yet to concede a goal in the group stages. Then again, Iraq had hitherto conceded just the single goal – from the spot against tournament favourites Japan. Iraq’s captain Younes Mahmoud makes his 135th appearance, while Iran’s Javad Nekounam steals Ali Daei’s record by making his 150th.

’24: Iran take the lead early on through Sardar Azmoun, the country’s next-big-thing. Azmoun had already begun stirring up the hype with a pretty fancy goal against Qatar.

’43: The game really gets going from here on. Jalal Hassan (Iraqi goalkeeper) gathers to collect the ball from Pooladi (Iranian striker), they barely get tangled up but square up to each other, and as Jalal shoves Pooladi to the ground, Ben Williams (referee) shows Pooladi a yellow and walks away. At this point Younes Mahmoud (Iraqi captain) runs up to Williams to remind him that Pooladi had already been booked (he had). Williams appears to ignore what the Iraqi players are saying, thinks about it, and then finally whips out the red card.

Controversy: Ben Williams, Australia’s ‘best referee’, is not shy of controversy and has a reputation in the A-League for bearing grudges. In Iran’s first game (a win over Bahrain), Carlos Quieroz had openly criticised Williams for not being “at the level of the game”. Put two and two together and you’ve got a picture of a fuming manager screaming into a referee’s ear down the tunnel.

‘117: At 2-2, Iraq win a clear penalty. Younes Mahmoud, now on 53 goals in 135 caps, is the captain of the team and the main penalty-taker. But having tried and skied a panenka penalty against Iran in a friendly less than three weeks ago, and then missed against Palestine four days back, he’d handed the duty to 20 year old Dhurgham Ismail, the youngest player on the side. Soaking up all the pressure, he scored what he must have thought was the winning goal. (Cue celebrations etc.)

‘119: But it’s not drama without a last minute equaliser. The Iranian goalkeeper joins the team at a corner. From an excellent delivery the ball is headed onto the post and the rebound is then cracked onto the bar. Finally from that rebound, Charlton Athletic striker Reza Ghoochannejhad headed the ball home. 3-3. (Cue bigger celebrations etc.)

Penalty shootout: First two penalties were missed, many more great ones were taken. At 5-4 to Iran, Iraqi captain Younes Mahmoud steps up. Recall his recent history with penalty misses, especially that panenka against exactly the same goalkeeper etc etc. Standing on the line between fool and hardy, Mahmoud attempts the panenka again with redemption on his mind – this time with much sweeter results. This man has balls, but then again he is Iraqi. Iraq don’t ruin the fairytale, and go on to win the Battle of Canberra.

Woah.

(UPDATE: Japan have been knocked out by the UAE after two quite superb goals for either side saw the match enter a shootout. Rather unceremoniously it was Keisuke Honda and Shinji Kagawa, two of Japan’s biggest names, who missed from the spot to send UAE through. It really is all kicking off!!)