A crazy week 5 saw Dimitri Payet’s West Ham fall to the same scoreline for the second week running, suffering the ignominy of becoming only the second team to concede four to a Tony Pulis side in 276 Premier League matches. Jose Mourinho lost three in a row for the first time in 14 years, and Crystal Palace won back to back games for the first time in 2016. Who saw that coming? Pep did. Pep sees everything coming.

Thankfully, some things don’t change: Barcelona Man City duly beating Bournemouth, Sanchez spanking Hull City Orange Cats, Sunderland slumbering (they haven’t won any of their last 24 Premier League games in August or September), Michail Antonio scoring with his head, and, um, Etienne Capoue scoring when he’s not supposed to.

A couple of controversial calls also cushioned some falls: incumbent Ibrahimovic was granted a rather dodgy assist, and lucky Lukaku was given a goal for a touch that probably never was. But hey, this isn’t real life – it is just fantasy…

…and aren’t we glad it is? What I would give to be able to wildcard my life. With perennial auto-captain Sergio Aguero back in baby blue this weekend, the time is truly ripe for a wildcard to shuffle up that deck, and give Stocky Sergio a bit of room against the sleepy Swans. For many, this means that either Zlatan or Hazard will be ruthlessly shown the door for their lack of real return – the latter especially especially in anticipation of their headline clash this weekend against an Arsenal in ascendence.

Hazard may well rise to the occasion, but history has shown that this is less likely away from the Bridge. Recent meetings between the two sides have also been fairly low-scoring, and I can see this being a really gritty affair, despite the wealth of attacking talents – and Dirty Diego – on display.

Elsewhere, once-upon-a-Fergie-time-champions Man United take on reigning champions Leicester City, with neither looking like they deserve to be top. Yet neither Zlatan nor Pogba think they deserve to be anything less, so I really wouldn’t be surprised to see one of their egos knocking one home this weekend.

Liverpool should also do the business against Hull – your job is merely to pick between Mane, Firmino, or even little Lallana. Everton must surely make it five wins on the trot now against a bruising Bournemouth, and the Watford bandwagon must surely keep wheeling on at Burnley. West Ham will score…but will they win?

Vincent Janssen finally opened his account in midweek at the Bank of Spurs and must keep on sneaking in the goals while Harry’s nursing his hamstring. My good money is on Janssen to continue paying out and giving us all something to really think about, while Dele Alli will too put in his case for the mid-£8mil midfield spot ahead of a certain Raheem Sterling.

Lastly, I cast my curious eyes at Stoke, where goals are almost a guarantee these days. Stoke have conceded four goals in six of their last 11 Premier League games and face Nacer Chadli fresh from his 21-point haul last weekend. Will Pulis have the last laugh? Or will last season’s hipster’s choice Marko Arnautovic be in the mood again? Mind, he had his goalscoring boots on on Wednesday…

On that banging note, I wish you with the best of luck, which is probably all that can save you at the moment. Well, apart from Sergio Aguero, that is.