The Friday Burrito: More Of The Same

The Friday Burrito

Deadline day’s finally over, not that many would have noticed it was there in the first place. Not many would have noticed that Chubby Alonso missed out on his weekly Kicking The Blues column either – this time the blues had well and truly kicked him instead. He’s recovered well though and has stuffed up quite a sizeable wrap. We’ll cut to the chase:

1. It’s A Rich Man’s World

The January transfer window finally came to a whimpering close on Monday with little promised and little delivered. Deals done have been cold and responsible, shy of the ridiculous sums of money that spoilt fans are used to seeing. Indeed, with the influx of foreign owners and the inflation of transfer fees, the January window has quickly grown to crystallise these ABBA lyrics: Money, money, money / Must be funny / In a rich man’s world. While the window remains one of choice for the big boys it has habitually become one of fear for the smaller sides – Burnley and West Brom surely amongst those who could not be more relieved to see the window pass without the sale of their star strikers.

Even with the Financial Fair Play rules, the bigger clubs still enjoy greater asset mobility and are hence better equipped to both gain and lose players. One needs to look no further than the contrasting fortunes of Chelsea and Swansea to see how clubs of disparate financial status find themselves on different sides of the shopping window. When the transfer windows were first introduced by UEFA in 2002-2003, the overarching intent was for squad stability and player preservation, but the way January conducts its business suggests that football has lost sight of that vision. It could be time the game adapted to recognise how much of a business it has become and made an executive change for the better. Could Barcelona – already looking better and brighter this year without any transfer tumults – fortuitously pave the way for the future of transfer windows? Perhaps a transfer quota (once mooted by Arsene Wenger) or even a loan-only window could be in order: Podolski, Salah and Shaqiri are amongst some big names who are benefiting from being released on loan in January and I believe that this could be the most modern, equitable, and enjoyable solution.

2. Same Same But Different

After an extended winter wander, the Bundesliga has well and truly found its way back into our hearts again. If a league table was drawn up from the start of the Rückrunde, both Bayern and Dortmund would be tied on one point after two games, with Bayern slipping into the relegation zone by virtue of a sorry goal difference. Yet such a table tells a lie: Bayern paid a sore price for their tactical mis-step at Wolfsburg, but were terribly unlucky to draw with Schalke, having put in another dominant performance despite playing a whole hour with just ten men. Yes, they were lucky to escape a triple-punishment after an uncharacteristically meek penalty from Eric Maxim Chupo-Moting, but they played with the mastery and confidence of a team eight points in the clear and gave every reason for Pep to be pleased (“I’m not happy, I’m very, very, very happy”).

On the other hand, Dortmund are beginning to look the part of basement dwellers. The team remain too good to go down, but a team that good should have more ambition than that – or at least a whole lot more pride. A ferocious side once feared for their relentless attack have failed to score this new year and were tremendously underwhelming against 10-man Augsburg, an energetic team slowly winning admirers in the same fashion that Dortmund did four years ago. As teams begin to grow accustomed to Dortmund’s stubborn and increasingly weary gegenpressing, Klopp’s approach is starting to look dated and limited. The team look out of ideas, and Mats Hummels and Roman Weidenfeller must surely be out of words.

3. Dream On

Wonderful strikes by Liverpool’s two diminutive forwards on Wednesday mean the Merseysiders are two games from a Wembley semi-final and three games from Steven Gerrard’s Wembley Birthday Bash. Believe it or not, Mr Cup Final’s 35th birthday fittingly falls on the 30th of May, and considering how fashionably late Liverpool left it against Bolton, the stars surely appear to be lining up. Yet such stars already regularly turn out for Manchester United, who are the highest placed team left in the tournament and are officially the favourites for the FA Cup. Against Cambridge United on Tuesday, Louis Van Gaal once again showed refreshing respect for the tournament, fielding a first XI that begrudged even Victor Valdes an appearance. United may have flattered to deceive once again but remain notoriously difficult to beat, priming them specifically for cup success. By their own manager’s own admission, United are in it to win it and by all accounts should: “I am not allowed to bet. But I give you a tip. We have a real chance now”. Gerrard’s Cup Final Birthday may turn out to be a dream, but until then, let no one tell him that.

4. An Ending Fitting For A Start

Deadline day may not be deadline day without Harry Redknapp, but QPR will still be QPR without their resident wheeler-dealer. A reign that began with a bit of fanfare has ended with not a morsel of remorse: it is not an uncommon sight to see ‘Arry leaving a Premier League club, nor is it an uncommon sentiment to say that he will not be missed.

QPR’s form this season has made this decision a matter of when, not if: they boast the unflattering record of failing to register a single point on all their travels so far this season, and in their past 40 away games in the Premier League (harking back to Harry’s first tenure) they have managed just the two wins. But for Charlie Austin’s outstanding goalscoring contributions (54% of QPR’s goals this season), the axe might have fallen earlier; instead he is allowed the dignity of walking away under the guise of a ‘knee surgery’.

It is not the first time Harry has been shown the door, even if it has never been a straightforward sacking. His career has not been characterised by endurance nor excellence, and his pinnacle of achievement was probably an overhyped candidacy for the England job that was subsequently handed to Roy Hodgson. Even at his multiple alma mater he has been known to float on rather than flourish, to buy rather than to breed. His style and busy-ness has created a facade that he is a lot bigger and better than he really is – a pufferfish if you will – and it takes only a few punches and punctures to leave his soft underbelly exposed and deflated.

His best finish as a manager in the Premier League was with a Spurs side free-rolling with a budding Gareth Bale, but what his fans like to forget is how close he came to letting Bale go, and how persistent he was at confining the Welsh winger to the left back role. His questionable eye for talent has finally backfired at QPR: Rio Ferdinand failed to be the force he thought he was, and Harry failed to be the man he made himself out to be.

The writing was all over the wall for Deadline Day incumbent Harry Redknapp. As February the First passed by at QPR with one fateful tweet and no frisky treats, so would ‘Arry’s time at the club on February the Second.

5. Equatorial Guinea: Finally On The Map

Last night, Equatorial Guinea were faced with a golden chance to set the continent alight, but instead ambled off the pitch under some pretty dark clouds. Just two months ago they had emerged as a sort of hero after Morocco pulled out of hosting the Cup of Nations at the height of Ebola fears, offering to do so despite the short notice. Probably the weakest nation in the competition, they had made it to the semi-finals, already surpassing all expectations and making history for the young footballing nation. 90 minutes stood between them and greater glory, but 45 was all it took for the wheels to start coming off.

2-0 down at half-time, the Equatorial Guinea fans had already begun pelting objects at the Ghanian players, who left for the dressing room under a Spartan-esque formation of riot police shields. On the pitch their players put on a disgraceful show of gamesmanship – soft falls, terrible tackles, the whole lot – almost in recognition of their inferiority, almost with such disregard to the home support. When Jordan Ayew slotted home Ghana’s third goal things got ugly: anything that could be thrown was sent flying at Ghanian players and fans alike; a helicopter emerged, hovering low and causing more chaos and confusion than any semblance of calm; the faction of Ghanian fans that left the stadium early found themselves in the hands of an expectant mob, fists full of fury. As the violence simmered down, all that remained was an odd sense of fear: first for safety, then from the growing realisation of a legacy ruined for the competition, the country, and the continent.

The Friday Burrito: Last Chance Saloon

The Friday Burrito

Chubby Alonso is a sentimental man, so he gets rather introspective when he senses that things might start to end. This Friday’s Burrito spots some stuff from this week that suggests that certain players, clubs and even countries are either edging towards their last leg, or are on the cusp of new beginnings. Who knows? Chubby does, or so he says.

Here’s some of the picks of the week, thoughtfully chosen to go into today’s wrap:

1. Man On A Mission

Steven Gerrard is officially running out of time to take Lucas Leiva back to Wembley. After Liverpool’s difficult loss to Chelsea in the Capital One Cup semi-final, the sobering realisation for Gerrard and for many football fans around will slowly kick in that he has just one last shot left at Wembley glory. It is difficult to put into words what Cup Finals mean to Steven Gerrard and, rather synonymously, what Gerrard means to Cup Finals. As one of the Premier League’s greatest he has suffered the subtle ignominy of living for the Cup while the other Greats fight it out over the Big League Trophy, and his little squaring up to Dirty Diego late into the game was a picture of both resignation and regret. Gerrard’s radio silence after the match was at loud as it gets and he will be saving his breath for the FA Cup replay at Bolton next week – beat them and only Crystal Palace stand in his way to a Wembley return. Of course, last weekend’s cupsets mean that the magic of the FA Cup is very much alive, but in Stevie G, Liverpool might have their very own Wizard of Wembley.

2. Hulk Smash

History may be written by the victors, but it is the defeated who will remember most. What Liverpool and Atletico Madrid fans will remember in the wake of their mid-week Cup exits is how their team’s efforts were ruined by some reserved (Liverpool) and reckless (Atletico) refereeing. Liverpool fans will point to what the referee missed – most glaringly the two Costa stamps that left him eight away from a free coffee and three games in the stands. The Atletico faithful will be furious by what their referee didn’t, effectively end the game by sending off captain Gabi at half-time, allegedly for saying “Jesús, it was a penalty and a red card” – ‘Jesús’ of course, being the name of their sinner, rather than the Saviour.

While the vitriol aimed at the referees are not unfounded, perhaps they are misplaced, and conceal some of the deeper problems in football. It is little coincidence that two of the managers involved in the games are two of the most controversial – Jose Mourinho for his megalomaniacal image of his players and his ways, and Diego Simeone for his infectious, fiery rage. There comes a point when the means will stop justifying the ends. Mourinho may have got off relatively scot-free this time – Dirty Diego’s bit of justice aside – but the same can’t be said for the other Diego. Simeone’s passion has rubbed off on his players to great success – Torres being the latest beneficiary, with all three of his goals for Atletico coming within a minute post-KO, post-Simeone – but it was this same influence that saw a red mist descend upon a bullish Mario Suarez and a petulant Arda Turan, who could have so easily seen red too for his manic moment of boot-tossing madness. If Simeone doesn’t find a way to keep his team’s inner-Hulk under control, Atletico – and football – may soon be counting the cost.

3. Luck of the Draw

The performance of African nations have always appeared to be rather patchy-per-tournament, an impression that has always made the African Cup of Nations almost quite predictable in its unpredictability, and to me, a little more than a distraction from the big lights of the European leagues. This week saw the AFCON get its group stages out of the way, finally with a bit of fanfare. With both Mali and Guinea ‘sharing’ second place in the group having having drawn all three of their games 1-1 (ie. P3 D3 F3 A3), the last qualifying spot went down to a drawing of lots – the third time in AFCON history. Yesterday, on the fourth floor of a haughty Hilton hotel, a representative of each team dipped their hands into a bowl – fresh from the kitchen – and picked out their respective fates. Joy for Guinea, jealously from Mali, and plenty of resentment towards the Confederation. With a bit of foresight, the CAF could have taken a leaf from UEFA’s book: a similar situation played out between Turkey and the Czech Republic in Euro 2008 would have demanded a penalty shoot-out – probably the more sporting solution, even if hoping for the luck of the draw is in fact the most technically fair one.

4. The Boys Are Back

The Bundesliga comes back tonight when Bayern takes on Wolfsburg, still a top of the table clash even if a whole 11 points separate the sides. The weekly headlines in the first half of the season had gone predictably along the lines of a Bayern steamroller to victory, a Dortmund slump to defeat, or surprisingly often, a mix of both. As the second half kicks off it will still be intriguing to see if Wolfsburg can properly lay a claim to top spot in the league outside Bayern’s, or if Augsburg’s impressively inspirational streak can continue through the season; but there will be no storyline quite as gripping as the rise of a fallen European darling. The lengthy German winter break could have done no team more favours than Borussia Dortmund and there is no reason why they won’t come back fresh to the fight, especially with Marco Reus back to lead the charge, and especially with the January window doing little to immediately suggest a change in fortunes for most of the teams. Most, of course, with the exception of VfL Wolfsburg, whose signing of Xizhe Zhang from Beijang Guoan forecasts a sure-fire windfall in the Asian market, and foreshadows an intriguing subplot to keep all Eastern aficionados interested: as Shinji’s star slowly falls, how quickly can Zhang’s spring?

5. Parting Gift

On the eve of what might turn out to be Australian football’s biggest day, big word on the big street is that Asia want Australia out. AFC President Shiekh Salman today confirmed the growing sentiment amongst the Arab nations disgruntled by what they perceive as Australia’s parasitic participation, rather accurately echoing some of the xenophobic concerns simmering around the real world. Australia’s entry into the AFC nine years ago was welcomed under the pretext of increasing the image and standards of Asian football and little has pointed to the contrary. If anything, the A-league’s increasing prominence, as well as the continued presence of Australians plying their trade in the big European leagues, should suggest that the AFC would be worse without the Australians.

At the heart of this gripe appears to be a massive FOMO, or for those above 16 – a Fear Of Missing Out. With Japan and South Korea as fixtures for World Cup qualification, the host of West Asian nations – Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, UAE, Uzbekistsan et al. – have to fight it out with Australia and China’s irrepressible emergence for the last two spots. Not that this is a sure-win for Australia – the land Down Under are ranked just 10th in the AFC, 100th in FIFA, and have failed to bag the Asian Cup in their three attempts thus far. An Australian win tomorrow may toss more salt into wounds but the last thing the AFC should do is run.

The case for Australia’s participation 9 years ago remains the same today, and perhaps ever more relevant than before; more competition is good competition, and one swallow does not a summer make. The Gulf nations are on the cusp of something great and must do better than to count World Cup appearances as a measure of success: Iran and Saudi Arabia’s meek performance over the past few decades have done little to raise the roof, and if Qatar want to be anything more than a filler host nation in 2022, the unhappy mob from the Middle East will have to stop pointing that finger outwards and start paying attention to the three staring back at them.

The Friday Burrito: Restless for Redemption

The Friday Burrito

Chubby Alonso has a tasty tasty wrap going on here. It’s got big guys, it’s got small guys, and it’s got lots of middle eastern guys playing out probably the great game in Asian Cup history. It’s a fat one today, so we’ll jump right in.

YUM:

1. Getting Up For The Cup

Chelsea squared up to Liverpool in midweek and looked, well, rather square. They emerged unscathed with a 1-1 draw – a result that means a win at Stamford Bridge in the next leg will guarantee Mourinho’s first return to Wembley – but hardly looked convincing. Hazard’s spot-kick was Chelsea’s only shot on target against a Liverpool side that looked significantly hungrier of both sides. Chelsea’s excellence may be making it hard for them to see the Capital One Cup as something worth getting up for.

In contrast, Liverpool had plenty of motivation going into the game – from Stevie G’s redemption, to Brendan Rodger’s professional rivalry with Mourinho, to the fact that this Cup is Liverpool’s most realistic chance of winning anything remotely shiny. Mourinho might just be missing a Mr Motivator to partner the waning John Terry in the dressing room in shifting the spirits a gear up when life isn’t so smooth sailing. In the post-match conference Mourinho had apparently joked about signing Steven Gerrard on loan at the season’s end – but what if he wasn’t?

2. Missing Men

On Wednesday night, Tottenham Hotspur played Sheffield United in the Capital One Cup Semi-Final first leg. Proudly leading the troops out of the tunnel was none other than Captain Emmanuel Adebayor. Wait what? The words go together awkwardly and angrily like two corners of a jigsaw puzzle. He didn’t disappoint the perplexed fans either – putting in a forgettable shift and leaving the field on the hour to the chorus of boos they were waiting to deliver. The problem with Adebayor is not that he appears indifferent and disinterested, but that at various points in his career, he didn’t. Recall his run of good form last season, or how fired-up he looked when he famously scored and celebrated against Arsenal while at Manchester City.

The fear is that Adebayor may be joining the Borgade brigade (“Chelsea offered me a contract, I signed the contract, so what is the problem?”) of players who can’t care beyond their next paycheck. That certainly looks to be the case for Southampton’s record signing Dani Osvaldo, who is still on the club’s books. He was tossed out on loan from St Mary’s after 13 games for headbutting now-captain Jose Fonte during training and has just been sent packing back by Inter after simply disappearing for two days. The man who signed him? Mauricio Pochettino, the same guy who five months ago made Adebayor his third choice captain and the lumbering Younes Kaboul his first. Le Poch may have an eye for footballing talent, but he’s not looking too good a judge of character to me.

3. Baby, Baby, Baby

The biggest news this transfer window is undoubtedly Real Madrid’s signing of football’s Justin Bieber, although the significance of this move may only be unravelled between one year to never. Martin Odegaard may be the full package with his boyband blonde looks and youtube skills, but the jury is out on whether he could finally be Madrid’s own Messi, or if he’ll end up as the world’s next Freddie Adu – the last teenager to really thrill and then torpedo.

There is cause to be optimistic though: under the guidance of Carlo Ancelotti and Zinedine Zidane, he has two men with the eye and the patience for talent, and at Real Madrid he will get the best grooming to deal with all the limelight. He already looks the part: when asked to choose between Ronaldo and Messi he picked his new teammate (“Ronaldo, so far”), even though he had once publicly professed his admiration for Messi on Twitter. It would have been real interesting to see if Barcelona would have been the better fit for him though, but for their unfortunate transfer ban; that’s just what they get for putting their hands in one teenager’s cookie jar and getting their sleeves caught in it.

4. Second Chances

The Annual January Jenga happens for two main reasons: one, to add reinforcements to a squad (Cuadrado); two, to reinvigorate a player’s career. It is strange to say this, but if Andre Schurrle finds the courage to leave a Chelsea team destined for some silverware this season, he would join Lukas Podolski as the second World Cup winner looking for some genuinely meaningful employment. Podolski’s loan to Inter is already looking good, linking up with Bayern outcast Xherdan Shaqiri – scorer of the World Cup’s 50th hat-trick just 7 months ago – in beautiful fashion to send Inter into the next round of the Coppa Italia.

For Sebastian Giovinco though, it appears that it is Canada, not Italy, to be his place of choice for finding himself. He follows a whole series of stars into the US of A but at the same time walks his own path. Not only will he be the highest paid player in MLS history (yes, beating out even David Beckham himself), he might just be the first top European player to be heading there in his prime. Of course, I use ‘top’ rather loosely, given that he has barely made 40 appearances over the past two seasons for Juventus (most of them coming as a substitute) but this is a man who exactly a week ago had starred in Juve’s 6-1 demolition of Hellas Verona (granted, not a tough task) and whose startling form for Parma less than four years ago had earned him plaudits, predictions, and a call-up to Prandelli’s Euro 2012 squad. Del Piero’s one-time heir apparent may not have taken his throne in Turin but could certainly come good in Toronto if he carries half the class and humility that made the Italian maestro such a loveable figure in his own cross-continental traverse in Sydney.

5. The Battle of Canberra

Speaking of Sydney, it’s finally kicking off in Australia. The group stages of the Asian Cup 2015 have gone by with minimum fuss: no games have been drawn, no surprises have been had, the underdogs are out, the favourites are through, Timmy Cahill has scored a special goal (a wee bicycle kick), is officially the Australian Sniper, and will probably have a film made about him in the next decade.

So step up Iran and Iraq with their self-explanatory bi-lateral history to play out what must be the greatest game in Asian Cup memories. Nothing short of a chronological recount of this game will do for an excited Chubby Alonso. Bear with me:

Background: Not only were Carlos Quieroz’ Iran the highest ranking Asian nation in the cup, they had yet to concede a goal in the group stages. Then again, Iraq had hitherto conceded just the single goal – from the spot against tournament favourites Japan. Iraq’s captain Younes Mahmoud makes his 135th appearance, while Iran’s Javad Nekounam steals Ali Daei’s record by making his 150th.

’24: Iran take the lead early on through Sardar Azmoun, the country’s next-big-thing. Azmoun had already begun stirring up the hype with a pretty fancy goal against Qatar.

’43: The game really gets going from here on. Jalal Hassan (Iraqi goalkeeper) gathers to collect the ball from Pooladi (Iranian striker), they barely get tangled up but square up to each other, and as Jalal shoves Pooladi to the ground, Ben Williams (referee) shows Pooladi a yellow and walks away. At this point Younes Mahmoud (Iraqi captain) runs up to Williams to remind him that Pooladi had already been booked (he had). Williams appears to ignore what the Iraqi players are saying, thinks about it, and then finally whips out the red card.

Controversy: Ben Williams, Australia’s ‘best referee’, is not shy of controversy and has a reputation in the A-League for bearing grudges. In Iran’s first game (a win over Bahrain), Carlos Quieroz had openly criticised Williams for not being “at the level of the game”. Put two and two together and you’ve got a picture of a fuming manager screaming into a referee’s ear down the tunnel.

‘117: At 2-2, Iraq win a clear penalty. Younes Mahmoud, now on 53 goals in 135 caps, is the captain of the team and the main penalty-taker. But having tried and skied a panenka penalty against Iran in a friendly less than three weeks ago, and then missed against Palestine four days back, he’d handed the duty to 20 year old Dhurgham Ismail, the youngest player on the side. Soaking up all the pressure, he scored what he must have thought was the winning goal. (Cue celebrations etc.)

‘119: But it’s not drama without a last minute equaliser. The Iranian goalkeeper joins the team at a corner. From an excellent delivery the ball is headed onto the post and the rebound is then cracked onto the bar. Finally from that rebound, Charlton Athletic striker Reza Ghoochannejhad headed the ball home. 3-3. (Cue bigger celebrations etc.)

Penalty shootout: First two penalties were missed, many more great ones were taken. At 5-4 to Iran, Iraqi captain Younes Mahmoud steps up. Recall his recent history with penalty misses, especially that panenka against exactly the same goalkeeper etc etc. Standing on the line between fool and hardy, Mahmoud attempts the panenka again with redemption on his mind – this time with much sweeter results. This man has balls, but then again he is Iraqi. Iraq don’t ruin the fairytale, and go on to win the Battle of Canberra.

Woah.

(UPDATE: Japan have been knocked out by the UAE after two quite superb goals for either side saw the match enter a shootout. Rather unceremoniously it was Keisuke Honda and Shinji Kagawa, two of Japan’s biggest names, who missed from the spot to send UAE through. It really is all kicking off!!)

The Friday Burrito: Goals, Balls and Golden Balls

The Friday Burrito

If you enjoyed Chubby Alonso’s Friday Burrito mix last week, you might appreciate this week’s too. This week’s wrap may be a little less spicy, but it more than makes up for it with an unhealthy amount of stardust.

Here’s Chubby Alonso’s recipe for the week:

1. FA Cup Replays

Calls for the abolition of the FA Cup replay may mean that this rather archaic practice will soon be no more, but until then let us indulge in them. The six mid-week cup replays have served up a host of goals: 25 goals (8 more than last weekend’s premier league fixtures) and 29 penalty kicks. Wolves and Fulham may have put up a 3-3 thriller on a snowcapped evening that made for some beautiful photo-memories, but the game on the night was undoubtedly at Upton Park. A match that had everything – an early red card (for Aiden McGeady), a fight back, even a Carlton Cole goal – ended with a goalkeeper scoring the winning penalty. The Premier League moneybags may scoff at replays, but nights like these show what a joy they can be for the fans – and surely that’s all that matters?

2. A Meaty Bony

The Wilfried Bony deal was quick, painless and good for all parties. No duplicity, no fuss; Garry Monk may have been openly resigned to losing one of his best players but showed the strength to resist a lower fee, and the optimism to push forward regardless. This means that Bony is now the most expensive African player, and has suddenly found himself in a club where he stands a realistic chance of ending the season with his first trophy in a big European league. For City they’ve got themselves a hefty (literally) Plan B in the Premier League’s top scorer in 2014 (20 goals) to go along with Aguero and Toure – second and third top scorers respectively – but also a bunch of other problems. Question marks remain over where he’ll fit in when Aguero is healthy, especially when both Bony and City have recently thrived in a lone striker system. The same question marks loom even more precariously over some players in the squad who have found themselves increasingly pushed to the fringes. Due to UEFA restrictions, Pellegrini will have to drop a foreign player from his European squad, making the next few weeks a pretty uneasy one for Jovetic, Dzeko or perhaps even both.

3. Mr. World

In football’s very own version of the famous popularity contest, Cristiano Ronaldo is Mr. World 2014. Cristiano himself, of course, affectionately thinks of himself as the world, and few had any doubts he was going to win the Ballon d’Or. Real Madrid won La Decima, Messi endured a trophyless season, Ronaldo scored lots and lots of goals. Of course he’s worked hard for that, and few will ever begrudge every honour given to the man. I, for one, think that Ronaldo is the better player. Messi may be the more aesthetically pleasing footballer, but Ronaldo is a manager’s dream – no matter how poorly set up the team is, no matter the formation or the supporting cast, he’s got the capacity and the grit to do what you’d want him to do for you, and more. In celebration, Nike gifted him a pair of diamond-encrusted ‘Mercurial CR7 Rare Gold’ boots, because there’s no better time to be a sponsor of the world’s most popular footballer.

4. Empty Hands

Perhaps the more deserved (and less mundane) story of Monday night’s event is that of those who didn’t win. Stephanie Roche will have enjoyed a special night out but she must still feel disappointed to return to her£650-a-month job at newly-promoted ASPTT Albi without the Puskas award. The trophy will instead find its place as one of surely many more on the mantlepiece of Real Madrid’s James Rodriguez, whose goal was fantastic, but hardly better. This was a terrific chance to divorce celebrity from the choice but it was star-power that won the day again, just as Zlatan’s did last time round.

Star-power was also the rule in FIFPro’s World XI, which featured two members of Brazil’s disappointing World Cup campaign and a key member of a Barcelona and Spanish team, two sides that in 2014 defined the word ‘defeated’. The inclusion of David Luiz, participant in that 7-1 defeat was particularly surprising, given that he only occasionally featured for Chelsea that season, and has had a rather vanilla start with a PSG side currently 4th in a weak Ligue Un. Diego Godin, on the other hand, may have scored in the Champions League final, scored the goal that took Uruguay out of the group stages in the World Cup, and won La Liga with Atletico Madrid, but he couldn’t even make the ‘Reserve XI’. I don’t think anyone will be taking these lists too seriously

5. Return of The Kid

Real Madrid may have the best squad in the world but the treble is officially beyond them this season. Before kick off they flaunted Cristiano Ronaldo (in abovementioned diamond boots), James Rodriguez, Toni Kroos and Sergio Ramos with their shiny new trophies from Monday night, but it was a Fernando Torres, once breaker of Barca hearts, who would send not one, but two pins flying towards Real’s brimming bubble. These were El Nino’s first goals in a Madrid derby, having failed to score in 10 attempts during his first spell, and they had come quick and fast: 49 seconds within the start of the first half and then 35 seconds within the second. Indeed, but for his goals Real may have cruised to an unlikely comeback victory over a stubborn Simeone side that sat far too deep for their own good. Real Madrid was hardly at their worst, but Sergio Ramos was certainly at his calamitous best; he may have scored, but goals don’t make games. Torres will do well to bear that in mind – he has come away as the day’s official hero but apart from his two smart finishes he had little else to show for his efforts and was later taken off for Arda Turan, who looked much more clever and assured with the ball. The prodigal son may be home, but there’s a long road yet to redemption.

And because I’ve been good this week, a bonus dessert:
6. A Bag of Crisps

David Moyes was sent to the stands as Real Sociedad went out of the Copa Del Rey but he preserved his dignity with some expert technique to scale the barriers, and then by enjoying a crisp and a laugh with the fans in the stands. Oh and the nuts he turned down? A bag of Mister Crisps, which sources say can get pretty nasty….making David Moyes a man with some pretty fine taste.

Presenting Your Weekly Weekday Wrap: The Friday Burrito (9/1/15)

The Friday Burrito

Every Friday, Chubby Alonso likes to sit at his table and lay out a Friday Burrito: a juicy wrap containing five of the most fascinating cuts of news from the past five days, helping him make sense of the week just gone and set the stage for the weekend’s action.

This week’s ingredients include :

1. Steven Gerrard’s parting gift

Just a couple of days after the announcement that Steven Gerrard would leave Liverpool at the season’s end came the odd declaration that the club ‘had their chance and blew it’ with him in summer by not offering him a new contract then. With a bit of professional and respectful spite, he went on to add how the under-fire Brendan Rodgers’ refusal to promise him more playing time made his mind up about everything – a good bit of honesty we like to see from players, but a badge of dishonour that Rodgers could’ve done without right now with his team struggling to find some semblance of form. Put another bullet in that chamber won’t you, Stevie?

2. A Genuine Crisis at Camp Nou

2014 was a big year for Catalonia, with the overwhelming ‘Yes’ vote in the November referendum putting a very real face to secession, but also casting the future of Catalan football in a bit of a limbo. 2015 began and Barcelona still appears hungover: a loss to a David Moyes team, the unceremonious departures of Zubizaretta and Puyol, the sensational Instagram ‘powerplay’ that appears to have divided the Camp Nou into Camp Leo vs Camp Luis, and Josep Bartomeu’s untimely announcement that the Presidential elections would be brought forward to this summer, a year ahead of planned. The transfer embargo imposed on the club suggests that candidates will finally have to campaign based on their plans rather than their purchases, but more importantly it means that the club can no longer rely on a January signing to throw off the caustic stink that surrounds them.

3. The Return of the Kid

While Fernando Torres’ return to the Calderon on Sunday was full of emotion (“one day you will have to explain to me what I’ve done for you to treat me like this.”), his performance in the derby victory was a bit more vanilla, contrary to Simeone’s post-match praise for El Niño. Instead, the real stars of the show were the kids at the back: Lucas Hernandez, 18, and José María Giménez, 19, putting in very assured shifts – the latter scoring the decisive second goal. Real Madrid may be enduring an unhappy start to the new year but this result might spare them the poisoned chalice: the victor over two legs play Barcelona in the Quarter-Finals. For Atletico, this means that by the month’s end they would have battled twice with Real and three more with a wounded Barcelona. Would be a good time for Torres to start repaying his fans.

4. Fancy Feet in Turin

The decline of Italian football over the past decade is such that few would look to Serie A to be entertained. On the odd occasion though, football pulls through to surprise us all with bits of irrepressible flair, reminding us that big fish can still make big splashes even in a shrinking pond. This week’s stunners come from an unlikely source: Juve’s midfield pairing of Vidal and Pogba showed us that there’s more to them than a thunderbastard from distance. On exhibition in the same match was Mauro Icardi, a frustrating young forward with a bottle for the big game: his equaliser was his fifth goal against Juventus in four games. The Italian league may have slowed in attracting the biggest stars, but they appear to have found their place as a comfortable home for troubled talents.

5. Football’s Moral Compass

Campaigners around the world don a yellow ribbon, pledging time and money to help ex-offenders assimilate back in society. Still, the battle rages on in England to keep Ched Evans from doing what he does best. Because footballers are held at a different standard. Because rehabilitation is a principle with limits. Because he has not admitted his guilt – maybe because he may yet be innocent? There is no excuse for abusing one’s celebrity and Ched Evans, with or without a jail sentence, will have learnt that lesson harshly, but talk of victim empowerment has conversely turned both parties into victims of this mania; Oldham Athletic being latest to succumb to the mob rule. This might ruffle some feathers, but I would love to see a club bold enough to let this talented athlete prove that he could still turn out to be the role model everyone had hoped he’d be and give hope to all who have made a wrong turn in life: if a second chance isn’t given, a second chance can’t be taken.

P.S. Marina Hyde has excellently put this case into perspective. Three years in law school has shown how the UK criminal justice system can so clumsy it’s…well, criminal.