Because footballers’ stupidity knows no end. Because every Fantasy Football manager needs to moan. Because Neville’s nibbles are wasted on Monday nights. Because there’s so much football, but so little time. Because for every new low, a new high. Because every Crouch Potato needs his Chubby Alonso.

Chubby Alonso loves his football, oh you bet he does. From the vantage of his comfortable armchair he will say what he sees and talk what he thinks: no holds barred, fat frank football talk.

Of course, there’s plenty of football talkers out there, but perhaps none with the same range of passing comments. On his day, Chubby Alonso blends pinpoint accuracy with James Dean casualness in his approach to issues and – particularly before a weekend’s fixtures – enjoys the odd punt from distance.

Chubby Alonso hates divers and loves the vanishing spray. Once in a while he gets off the couch, dusts down the nacho bits and actually heads for a stadium somewhere, somehow. He was a bit of a journeyman in his time and can’t quite get away from the continental colour, though his years in England have acquainted him well with the Match of the Day theme tune and Michael Owen’s deteriorating reputation. He has strangely noble hopes of football becoming a real force for good, and pines after the eureka! moment he is certain will come through all this watching, thinking and writing.

Chubby Alonso is as charming as you’d imagine him to be; if he ever offends… he’s just being Frank.