Legend has it that it is football, not laughter, that is the best medicine. So what batter way to kill the monday blues than with a dose of it? Having woken up rather heavily after last night’s manic bout of football, Chubby Alonso rounds up all that is worth knowing about the weekend’s action.

Is this the real life, or is this just a Fantasy Review?

For all those who sweat my squad or took my tips, thank you, apologies, and you are welcome, depending on which way you flew. Things didn’t go too badly this week, with the Premiership delivering few surprises, but that’s barely good enough…here’s some learning points:

My Rights

Leighton Baines, and Everton, look a good bet. They ended the game well and will look to bring that over to the next game. Baines and Coleman both looked busy, and the team played to Lukaku’s strength and pace by releasing him quickly time and again. Martinez appears to have taken his players’ constructive feedback well and it showed against City where they looked good playing direct football on the counter. Silva was predictably influential and the pairing of Fernando and Fernandinho was tidy, but neither were able to be a real ‘Toure’ de Force going forward. Sergio Aguero will have to shake off that rust, and quick.

For big parts of the game, Swansea looked incapable of handling Andy Carroll, summed up in the sight of the five Swans surrounding him, blurry as he coaxed a quite wonderful shot into the net. Similarly, his opposite number Bafetimbi Gomis looked like a raging bull at times and dispatched his header with much aplomb. No surprises then that the goal came as a direct result of another set piece from Gylfi Sigurdsson– he lives to deliver.

Charlie Austin proved that the bigger risk was indeed leaving him out of the fantasy side. This game told the typical story of QPR’s offensive prowess: Adel Taarabt started and finished the 90 mins forgettably; Charlie Austin scores his 13th league goal – 57% of QPR’s total haul. Kieran Trippier also continued to impress, him and Ben Mee putting in good shifts on the flanks in support of Scott Arfield and Georgie Boyd – both were awarded a bonus point for their efforts. Coming from under the radar, Burnley are slowly but surely picking up rhythm, and the team’s growing confidence was evident in Arfield’s superb solo goal, fuelling Sean Dyche’s mild jibe that the same goal scored by Alexis Sanchez would have been showed a hundred times over the weekend. Sanchez would then score an identical goal a day later to really put that theory to the test (validated!).

Gareth McAuley put in the sort of performance Tony Pulis would ask of his centrebacks and was duly recognised with a bonus point. Both teams were otherwise poor going forward and West Brom were lucky to score. They may not always look good value for a win, but under Pulis they should look increasingly hard to beat.

Newcastle may have ruffled some real feathers in the first half against Chelsea but at the final whistle it was Mourinho’s men emerging with the win – 2-0 becoming an annoyingly familiar scoreline. At the very highest level it’s about the chances you take, not the ones you make: Cabella was enterprising with little end product and unless he develops a deadly dimension to his game, will surely be found out soon enough. Diego Costa on the other hand has proved to be merciless on a day that Eden Hazard spared himself of taking any shots. Branislav Ivanovic was brave at the back and instrumental in stealing the impetus from Newcastle – his combination with Willian from the corner set up Oscar’s opener while Tim Krul had his back turned and Newcastle, for one fatal moment, had their lights off.

Angel Di Maria would have been disappointed to be taken off against Southampton. He was lively going forward when United were at their direct best, and looked desperate to make something happen. If he keeps getting behind defences like he endeavoured to yesterday he will surely explode into life against less organised sides. Southampton were as tidy and efficient as they come; they may not have threatened too much but the point was that neither did United – their midfield largely nullified the Red Devils and put in the ‘perfect away performance’ that will leave Gary Neville purring.

Philippe Coutinho was a buzzing presence for Liverpool, taking on players, having a go at goal. Still, his star was overshadowed by the bright Lazar Markovic, who sorely needs a good run of games to keep producing. It will be interesting to see who survives the return of Sterling and Sturridge, but until then, Brendan Rodgers will find it hard to drop the confident Coutinho.

My Revelations

Leicester City look foxy again, but so did they when they beat Manchester United, before going without a win in their next 13 games. At least David Nugent seems motivated this time. Last season’s top scorer was unlucky to strike the crossbar with another magnificent effort  and his energy could be infectious as Leicester seek to go on another run. Villa, on the other hand, look like a team short of ideas, and Paul Lambert like a man out of time.

In a post-match interview Alan Pardew proclaimed that he didn’t remember Selhurst Park being this loud when he last played. His appointment is paying dividends faster than expected: with the fans in full voice, Palace turned defeat into victory and the team now look like they believe. The temperamental Jason Puncheon – ever the man for the big occasion – scored the emphatic winner after some lovely skill from the substitute Zaha, his first since August, and his increasingly important role for the team means there is surely more in store.

Nacer Chadli again popped up in good positions and set up Kane’s goal, but without the right balls finding him, had a muted game. Spurs ought not worry too much though: this day was one of those that was always going to be Pardew’s.

Theo Walcott should have scored but looks far from a real come back. Alexis’ Sanchez’s predictably persistent brilliance means he should not be rushed back. Yet it is hard to make any real inferences about the Arsenal team from this game. They were always going to win, never looked troubled, and Mark Hughes is a man running out of ideas. Sparky needs a spark, and the frustrating Arnautovic is not it.

Elsewhere in Europe

Paris come together, but also fall apart. On a day when the world had their eyes on Paris, PSG took theirs off the ball. Having raced into a two-goal lead against struggling Bastia they left the island on the losing side, the first time Blanc’s PSG side had conceded four goals. The decisive third by Julian Palmieri was a sumptuous Scholes-esque first time volley, that – echoing Sean Dyche’s sentiments – if scored by the master himself would have be talked about for a while to come.

Just as they did with Jesus’ garments, the Romans shared the spoils on a weekend possibly symbolic of Serie A’s second coming. Traditionally renown for dull defensive performances, the Italian league is enjoying a sort of Indian summer. This weekend’s glut of goals is the latest harvest from some supreme finishing and atypically bad defending: Serie A’s 34 goals scored doubling the Premier League’s miserly provision of 17.

Florence may have served up 7 goals but the game of the weekend comes from none other than the capital city itself, and finally for all the right reasons. In a game of two halves, Lazio were electrifying in the first. Spearheaded by the inspirational Felipe Anderson, who now has 5 goals and 5 assists in his last 5 games, their attacks were too pacey and too plentiful for Roma to handle. But Roma roared back in the second, the 38 year old Totti scoring his record 10th league Derby goal and celebrated the occasion by taking a #selfie. Still, the big winners on Super Sunday were in Turin as Juventus opened up a three point lead after an ambling win in Naples; Pogba and Vidal again each with a sensational strike to put some undeserved gloss on an otherwise uninspired performance.

Madrid was less chipper. Real Madrid won comfortably but the fans once again found something to be disgruntled about. For the second time this year they have picked on Gareth Bale for not realising that a Real rout isn’t a rout ’til Ronaldo scores. Such was the vociferousness of the blame levelled at the Welshman for shooting rather than passing to Ronaldo (Cristiano himself would have done no differently) that Carlo Ancelotti thought it appropriate to publicly fend off accusations of selfish play.

A day later their cross-town neighbours were taken apart by a team they might have to face twice more this month. Where Ronaldo failed, all of Barcelona’s front three succeeded, each scoring in a picture perfect win; to throw salt at wounds, Messi even did what Bale didn’t – feeding the pass to Suarez to register his 100th La Liga assist. Unlike his midweek gambles, Simeone’s one rotation backfired – Jesus Gamez was time and again schooled by Messi, who started on the right of a front three, often dropped deep, and suckered defenders out with great glee.

RIP Junior Malanda

The German winter break has seen teams jetting off in search of warmer climes, so the sheer silence on the football front has amplified the loud thud of Wolfsburg’s fallen young midfielder. Junior Malanda is a Belgian under-21 international who has been a regular fixture in Wolfsburg’s prospering midfield, even if he has been better known for his two blinding misses this season. On Saturday he was a passenger in a car crash, a Volkswagen of all cars – Volkswagen of course being the primary sponsor of VfL Wolfsburg, who play at Volkswagen Arena. Perhaps it is this commentator’s curse gone horribly wrong; regardless, this is a sobering reality that footballers, even the brightest of them, are mere mortals.